On May 16, I will graduate. I will walk across a stage and be handed a piece of paper that does not actually certify that I am a graduate of the University of Missouri. The actual piece of paper will be mailed to me later. Everyone in the audience will know that I am not being handed an actual diploma; they will clap anyway.
And effectively, at that moment, everything will change. On May 16, my fellow graduates and I will be rebranded. Among the things I am not looking forward to:
| Youthful ignorance. | Stupidity. |
| Being a college kid who drinks frequently. | Alcoholism. |
| Midday napping. | Backward worker overflow. |
| Bliss. | Retirement only 45-60 years away. |
| Not keeping track of your day. | Not having a plan for your life. |
| Getting laid. | Getting laid off. |
| Staying up to watch Conan at 12:35. | Wondering how anyone can manage to stay awake for Conan at 11:35. |
| In-class texting. | Synergy. |
| Going to bed after 6 a.m. | Waking up before 6 a.m. |
| Parents getting excited to see you come home. | Parents wondering when you’re going to leave. |
| Laziness: acceptable. | Laziness: an offense worthy of firing. |
| Occasional late-night snacking. | Morbid obesity. |
| “That’s what she said” jokes. | Sexual harassment. |
| T&A. | R&D. |
| Fraternity. | Paternity. |
| Singing “Living on a Prayer” karaoke-style. | Living on a prayer. |
| Donating plasma for cash. | Monetization. |
| Meal points. | Food stamps. |
| “Can I have fries with that?” | “Would you like fries with that?” |
| Three-hour lunch breaks. | Generating a negative cash-flow position. |
| Working hard, or hardly working? | Unemployment. |